Friday, December 21, 2012

Grandma, because it's been too long

It was Father's idea to gift Grandma a day of driving her around. It sounded like a pretty good Christmas present, seeing how I love shopping, she loves shopping, and also I couldn't find the pickled peaches Brandon wanted me to find which was the original gift idea. I felt a little bad bailing on the pickled peaches plan, but then I  remembered that he can just give Grandma a picture of his kids for Christmas and call it good.

Anyway, the date was set for today! It had been too long since I had hung out with G-ma.

I had forgotten.

First, she has a new walker wheeled seat. I wish I could explain it better to you. I think the official name is the Smooth Walker 3000 or something. Does that help?

That thing is very difficult to get into the trunk. She wanted me to call Mother and ask her how she does it, but I was too prideful, so instead I struggled for a few minutes every time I had to get it in or out of the car.

The day started at 10 am, and we were going to Kohl's. As soon as we pull into the parking lot, G-ma starts talking about an article she read about how all the Mormon women are trying to change some things in the Church by wearing pants last Sunday.


Okay, G-ma, it's not ALL the Mormon women. Please don't classify me into a group of women who have forgotten that God loves them and that He is perfect, and has a plan and a reason for everything, even if it's not completely clear at the present time.  I have three problems with this 1) Whatever article G-ma read made it into a newspaper. I think this is absolutely the wrong publicity. 2) I attend Sacrament Meeting to renew sacred covenants. It is not a time for protesting. 3) It worries me when members are just waiting for the Prophet to, essentially, change his mind.  That indicates that the Prophet gets to do whatever he wants, which is false. The Prophet does what has been revealed to him. Wearing pants to church will not cause the Prophet to ask God to give women the Priesthood and then God will say, "Oh, why didn't I think of that? Absolutely, let's do this." And the Prophet has no authority to make that decision on his own. This isn't a company we are dealing with. This isn't a government. This is God. It just surprises, saddens, and angers me to know that this many people don't understand the way God works, how he speaks to His prophets, that His timing is not our timing, and His infinite love for us.

Anyway, I couldn't say all that to Grandma. I was trying to get that darn Smooth Walker 3000 out of the trunk during this time. And then a car alarm went off, and Grandma was yelling over the car alarm about how that is her main problem with the Church, how women can't do what men do (which she didn't specify, I just let it slide) and also how Dad won't be able to see me married. Those are two different topics, but just to ease her mind on the last one, I'm in no danger of getting married anywhere, so don't worry about it. She said, "Those two things I have a problem with, the rest I don't care about."

This should be an interesting day. Our first stop: Intimates.

On our way to hunt down a bra, G-ma says, "You know, I was married to Al for 30 years before I changed my religion."

What? When did you do that? How come I've never heard of this?  G-pa was Catholic. So what is G-ma? Also, if G-pa was raised Catholic, it must have been his mother's doing, because Great G-pa was Jewish!

I was trying to sort all this out in my brain as I was searching for a bra size that doesn't exist. But G-ma said it would be there, so I kept looking.

I couldn't find it.

Also, we are looking for a terry cloth robe if you happen to have one. Maybe I'll just order her a Juicy Couture track suit.

In other areas of the store we found elastic waist pants, which are perfect, and also three fleece tops because it's just "so damn cold" outside.

Then, we went to JC Penny. They did not have the magical bra size. So we had to go to Walmart, where my soul died a little and where we did not find this particular bra we have been so madly hunting for. She did, however, find some cozy pajama pants with a Hello Kitty print, so that's a win.

Then we went to lunch across from an assisted living home. Grandma then entertained me with stories of her friend Millie, who used to be at that home, but she got kicked out because she once went outside practically naked in the middle of the night. She got kicked out of a lot of places, that Millie.

Anyway, I told G-ma that I would like to go to our local jewelers if she wanted to come with me.

She did.

When we got there, everyone greeted her by name. She's a regular! I had no idea. I knew she liked jewelry, but I had no idea that I should immediately go back to her place and try to place dibs on pieces and stones I particularly like.

Anyway, all in all it was a pretty good outing. I went home and Greta and I started wrapping some Christmas presents. The phone rings, and it's G-ma.

"Myriah, wouldn't you know it, not one of the things we bought today fits me properly. You're going to have to exchange or return it all. Can you go tonight?"

"Sure. Sure I can. I'll be over in ten minutes."


Claire said...

I'd been trying to figure out what specifically my problem was with the whole pants thing, and you put it into words quite nicely. Thanks.
I didn't even realize I'd missed Grandma until this post.

Tara said...

Just FYI the walker is called a rollator! Also I love the non existent bra size & hello kitty pj pants. So funny.

Myriah Cohen said...

UPDATE: Gma reports that the "Little Kitty pants are nice and warm."

So that should warm your heart on this Christmas Eve.

Myriah Cohen said...

UPDATE: Grandma lived at that senior care facility for two years, and has recently moved to a smaller home. She was not kicked out for nakedness. Also, I have inherited some nice pieces of jewelry, which I'm not allowed to take from my parent's safe until I grow up a little bit. I am 31.