Sunday, February 17, 2008

My Grandma is crazy. Tonight we celebrate her birth. The birth of crazy.

Dinner on Sunday is always at 5. Tonight we are celebrating Grandma's birthday. Anyone who is familiar with Grandma or her stories should know what i am probably in for.
I got home from church, checked out the scene, and then got online to talk with my sister in law. The name says, "Briz" but don't be tricked, it's really Jiz. The following is our conversation.

: i don't want to be at grandma's party

she's just crazy

and i have a headache

sometimes i can handle crazy

but not right now

Briz: we just called you guys

are you at home?

4:43 PM me: yes

Briz: she told us that she couldn't talk long on the phone because she was choking on her spit

me: and mom was outside talking to you guys and i was left to talk to grandma

Briz: that is pretty...CRAZY

me: lol

she got mad at dad

Briz: so are you hiding out?

4:44 PM me: yes

Briz: what'd she get mad at?

me: oh, gma said something like, "Jeez, Melanie sure is talking a long time with Brandon. I hardly talked to him at all"

Briz: lol

4:45 PM me: and dad said, "well, you got off the phone in a hurry. it sounded like you didn't want to be talking. you said, "Yeah, Yeah, we've got to eat."

and Grandma said, "No, i DID NOT"

Briz: oh man...I'm dying over here...hilarious

me: and dad said, "Yes, you did, it made it seem like we were going to eat right away"

and then dad rolls his eyes and walks out

4:46 PM Briz: leaving you with her?

in her fiery state?

me: and grandma says, "NO I DIDN"T.. "

and as she is dipping into the salsa, "sailsah" if you're grandma,

4:47 PM she says, "I was CHOKING ON MY OWN SPIT" which she was choking on as she tried to eat her chip and salsa

Briz: it's all coming together

this is hilarious

me: and then she was grumbling, "I have to tell him that is not how i didn't mean this is all so.." and

then she waddles out the door

and i see her approach mom

Briz: this is great

4:48 PM me: and she says something like, "TELL HIM I WAS CHOKING ON MY SPIT"

Briz: you're going to have a most excellent party

we did get that message

me: but i was watching from inside and then decided i was alone, so i should get out of there

so i don't really know what happened next

Briz: are you in your room?

me: yeah

safest there

Briz: you slid out of there quick man!

And that was it. I will have to go out there soon, and face the excitement. But you should know my headache is wearing off. So don't worry too much about me. I thought maybe this would be a nice time to share your favorite stories about my grandma. So please, leave a comment.


Claire said...

So, this was my first introduction to grandma. It has been edited for content (meaning most of my comments have been removed), and formatted to fit your screen (meaning there just wasn‘t enough room for ALL the funny parts).

Myriah: [Grandma and I] went to Big 5 for a new pair of shoes
grandma had it in her head that she wanted New balance, which is a company i believe in
me: I’ve never owned a pair
Myriah: if you would like to know whether or not you should consider those shoes, you must pick one up and shake it
Grandma was shaking shoes right and left
shake shake shake
shake shake
and then she would say, "do you think this shoe is very heavy?"
and i haven't done any shaking, so i really cannot say
so we tried on a bunch of shoes
and grandma put her old shoes on after each new pair
so that means you have to take them off again....
and then finally we found a pair she liked and they fit good
don't you think these shoes make my feet look fat?
no grandma, i think they look just like your old shoes
are you sure?
no grandma, they do not make your feet look big
she kept shaking and kept asking, "is this one heavy?"
nope... i don't think it is...
i told her about one thousand times,
"Running shoes are not heavy grandma. Any of the shoes you pick will be fine"
yeah, well, she yelled at me after the gajillionth time i told her that
and she was like, "You don't know what is heavy to an 83 year old woman!!!"
and I said, "You are right, I’m sorry, "
me: this turned out to be quite an outing
Myriah: I mean, what is she doing with these shoes? lifting them above her head?

Tara said...

Wow, I hadn't heard either of these stories funny! In interest of helping you put together your "treasury" of Grandma stories I'd have to say that my favorite Grandma story was when you took her very sick dog to the vet only to find out she (the dog)had cancer and Grandma said sadly, “Cancer runs in the family”

Ky said...

"Yeah, Yeah, we've got to eat." Oh man...I love Gma! Because that is exactly what I'm thinking right now...

My favorite Gma stories include the ones where she thinks she is whispering.

For example, the time when you were at lunch with only 1 other couple in the restaurant. The other couple happens to be very close to where two are dining. Gma leans over to you and "whispers" "I can't decide if that is a man and a woman, or a man and a man..."

There's also the time when Gma gave out 2007's Christmas packages. Here, I found it in my Gmail chats:

Myriah: so, this year and last year, grandma puts together gift bags for me, mary and laura
they have basically the same things in them: a make up bag, light up tweezers, lotion
just different colors or whatev
(the light up tweezers are awesome by the way)
10:07 PM so this is all fun and cute
and then we open up scarves
me: oooh light up
Myriah: Laura gets two that are all skinny and way teenagery
me: lol
Myriah: and i get like a red plaid one
and Mary gets this sheer leopard print scarf
10:08 PM me: lol
Myriah: and Mary looks at it and says, "thank you"
me: basically, grammy was giving you your personalities for Christmas (in her eyes)
you as a scarf
in my grandma's eyes, I would be a cat scarf
Myriah: and Grandma puts her hand up to her mouth in whisper fashion and says so loudly I'm surprised you didn't' hear it, "I thought you wouldn't' want anything warm
10:09 PM so i got you something sexy"
me: hahahahaha
Myriah: and everyone just busts up laughing
me: hilarious!
Myriah: and Grandma looks at me and says, with complete shock, "you could hear that?"
Yes, grandma
me: hahahahaha
Myriah: everyone could hear that
me: oh grandma
I heard it!
10:10 PM Myriah: i knew it!
me: I just didn't know it was grandma!
Myriah: and i love how mary gets this sexy scarf...
and i get some matronly number

Yes, yes...I love when Gma whispers!

Myriah said...

Oh man, thank you so much for those wonderful recollections of grandma. I'm thinking about having all these stories bound and then i will read them to my kids as bed time stories.

Now no one can tell me i am not doing my part of family history.

Tara said...

That's really only semi family history...