I'm almost twenty-six. For twenty-six years I've been walking around, just trying to be me, to figure out my personality and the things that I like or dislike, the reason things annoy me, or the reason why things make me happy. I've been quite busy trying to figure all of this, and some times my brain hurts for all the figuring.
Tonight a piece of the puzzle fell into place.
Tonight I had a breakthrough, a breakthrough that I think is perhaps key into delving deeper into who I really am.
Tonight I played Yahtzee. And I didn't hate it.
You see, Mother has always adored Yahtzee. While growing up, I would play with her, but I don't remember ever liking it. When Mary moved into our house, and she first discovered the game, it's like she was meant to have those dice in her hand. So, Mary and Mother frequently play the game, and I am free to do other things, like, say, not play Yahtzee.
Tonight, on a whim, I asked to play with them. It was my turn first. I threw down a bare-hand roll, and the dice went flying! Mother tried to stop one of them from falling off the table, but I looked at her with the "Don't touch the dice!" look, and she didn't touch them. I looked over my roll, made my decision, and was picking up the dice that I wanted to re-roll when my opponents started making noises like they disagreed with my decision. I gave them a "don't talk to me look" and they didn't. In fact, they didn't talk the entire game. It was marvelous. All of the pressure had been removed! I could make my game decisions without other people casting judgements, telling me what I should do, informing me of all my options, or sighing like I've made the worst decision of my life when I don't do what has been recommended. Of course, in those situations, I always feel like I need to justify my choice, and sometimes I'm just not in the mood.
Plus, I don't care that much. I only start to care that I do whatever it is that they don't want me to do.
So, without anyone saying anything, I can roll the dice and meet failure or victory without judgement or opinion. It's brilliant.
Also, a no talking game also means no cheering or groaning. Yahtzee can get pretty noisy with all the cheers and screams and defeated moans. I have, never, ever, ever in my life elicited a scream, cheer or groan in the game of Yahtzee because I wanted to. I have cheered for others only because I would seem like a poor sport, or a pathetic depressed person if I didn't get excited.
When those vocal emotions are removed, the pressure is off; I don't have to pretend that I care. It was so liberating! I LOVED the feeling! Just rolling the dice! That's all it was! Some rolling and some math! It was great!