Thursday, July 8, 2010

Cheers! And other Last Day type things.

Tomorrow is my last day at work.

While I was spouting off information to my coworker while entering memorized passwords into the computer, it hit me that all of this information will suddenly become irrelevant on Saturday. More specifically, 5:00 on Friday afternoon.

Never again will I need to know where the Immigration Physicals are kept, how much they are, or how to schedule for one.

I won't need to use memorized passwords to get onto all of the different insurance sites to check a patient's eligibility.

It doesn't matter that I know when using certain programs, you can only bill for certain things within a specified amount of time.

I no longer need to remember the names of dietitians, general surgeons, gastroenterologists, cardiologists, podiatrists or the like. I don't need to have pharmacy phone numbers memorized.

It doesn't matter that I know how much the yellow fever vaccine, HPV vac, TB, and Tdap cost.

My brilliance at acquiring ICD-nine codes will no longer be needed.

I will have slim opportunity to use the relationships I built with other businesses. My coworkers will be able to use those, so I guess that's good.

After 5:00 on Friday, I probably won't need to know the amount of time one should abstain from sexual activity after being treated for chlamydia or gonorrhea. I won't really need to know the signs or symptoms or STI's, and I certainly won't need to discuss them any more.

After Friday, I probably won't need to know how to explain to a patient what a "back up method" is, the pros and cons of an IUD, or how many hours after unprotected intercourse should one take emergency contraception.

I'll never again need to explain to someone what exactly a colposcopy is, and why they should stop freaking out and just take a calming breath.

Also, with the end of this job comes the end of word puzzles. I will present to you a few uh, hypothetical questions, and you must figure out who needs to be tested for STDs, who is possibly pregnant, who needs emergency contraception, and how best to advise the patient.

Question: Uhm, my friend told me she skips her period all the time by skipping the little white pills, you know the little white pills? So I tried it and it didn't work. How come it worked for her and not for me? I mean, we take different birth control, but that doesn't matter, does it?

Question: Okay, so on Sunday I went to a BBQ, and I had a good time, and I had some chips, and I forgot to take my Yaz, and that night I messed around with my boyfriend, and the next day I remembered that I didn't take my pill, so I wasn't sure what to do, so then I forgot, and then I forgot again that night to take my pill, and I slept with my boyfriend but he kept his boxers on, so what do you think? I'm probably safe, right?

Question: Okay, so I haven't gotten my period yet this month. It's like, 2 hours late. and I slept with my boyfriend last night. A couple times. We had just had a fight, but we were making up. So do you think I'm pregnant?

Question: Um, I'm going out of town in an hour, and I need my birth control refilled, like, yesterday. I HAVE TO HAVE IT. GO GET IT FOR ME.

Question: Well I had kind of a crazy night last night, and I was drunk, and he was drunk, and we were at a party, and we kinda hooked up, and I don't think we used condoms, and then my friend came over, and like, went down on him, and then we all kinda messed around, but then we started using condoms, I think, so do you think I should come in for an appointment? Do you think I could be pregnant?

Question: So I need to be seen. For an exam. I think maybe I have something, but that's impossible, because I've been with my boyfriend for like, 2 weeks, and we haven't slept with anyone else.

Oh, sigh. The joys of the word puzzles. I hope I get some good ones tomorrow. I think that would be a nice way to celebrate my last day.



Amanda said...

That job would have totally sucked my will to live. The tone of your post is a little sad, like you really liked this job. Maybe you're just mourning the loss of all your hard work, and not actually going to miss talking to dumb freshman girls who all probably have chlamydia.

Kayde Moses said...

Oh my goodness today is your last day?!? I am sad that you will no longer be working in slo. Although your post makes me not miss working there at all, ok maybe a little. I miss talking about the dumb patients at lunch with you.

Ky said...

I am laughing so hard at all the "hypotheticals." HAHA! Holy schnikes. Wow.

So what was the most common STD in your patients? Because you definitely seem to have a particular liking for chlamydia.