I was chillin' with my Grandma today, and after she said a bunch of crazy stuff that i have now forgotten, she started talking about the owner of a local health food store.

If Longs didn't have the item she needed, we would have to go to this health food store, and Grandma was all sorts of complaining about it. She just doesn't want to go to his store, okay?

So i was like, "why not?"

and she said, "I just don't like him.
He's short."

me thinking, so... he's rude?

Grandma, "I don't think he's a dwarf. He's just really short."

me thinking, You hate him because he's short? Grandma, YOU are short.

Grandma, "and when it was Halloween and all the businesses open late and give out candy, we went in there, and he didn't give out any candy. So I don't like him."

I'm assuming Grandma took my cousin around for trick-or-treating one year, or maybe Grandma has been trick-or-treating by herself all her life.

No wonder she hates the health food store guy.

He won't give her any candy.

Asparagus

It's asparagus season! I know, awesome, huh?
This is by no means an accurate representation of the amount of asparagus that is usually in our fridge.
The asparagus on the left is the regular garden variety, and the asparagus on the right is from the big box store garden.
I like them equally well. I like them just a little steamed up, or i like them grilled up, but i've never tried them raw. I've been wondering about that a lot lately. I have yet to be tempted, but has anyone out there tried it out? What was it like? Tell me all about it.

Some Stuff

I'm trying desperately to think of something to post about.
I keep coming back to my blog and thinking, "Man, someone should really update this thing."

I'm pretty sure that responsibility lands on my shoulders, so I've been kicking around some topics that maybe i could discuss, none of which i really felt could stand alone as a dope post.

So, anyway, what i've been thinking:

1. I'm not sure how long to keep my Easter candy. Should I just devour it? Should i hang onto it for emergencies? I usually have a plan of action, but not this year. I'm lost.
All alone, and lost.

2. I could post about how i worked at the Cal Poly bookstore last week, and tell of my experiences there, like the woman who fainted in front of my register, or these two other register-mate guys who were discussing whether Braveheart or Gladiator was the Ultimate Man Movie. I couldn't quite discern the qualities that make the Ultimate Man Movie, but they were sure passionate about it. I like passion.

Then another time, this guy came to my register, but i had to go get more cash money, so i told him to just move on to the next register. We really weren't that busy, and that register was available. Suddenly this woman comes out of nowhere, pokes him in the back and says, "Hey, I'm suppose to be on the orange O." (Right, so that might not make sense. See, at Poly, they have their registers lined up in two rows, and as you go through the line, the line director tells you which register to go to, as to keep the lines moving. The registers aren't numbered well, so they put down letters in various colors, spelling out Cal Poly on the ground in front of each register. Now, the point of the line is to get through the line, not stay on your appointed letter. Many times i will suddenly have no one to help, but a hundred students around me. So i would look at the person waiting at the next register, and ask, "can i help you?" and they always look at me like i'm crazy. "Could they really get off their letter and come to my register? What about the person who was about 25 people behind them in line who may get assigned my register next?"

Look, peeps, Do you want to stay here forever? Don't you want to leave? Then just come to my register and you can get out of here.

So anyway, i was walking away from my register when the lady who was suppose to be on the orange O busted that kid for taking her spot, even though he was ahead of her in line. Man, was she mean about it. She was TICKED. So i say to her, "Oh, i'm sorry. It's my fault your life is ruined, i told him to move to that register. Sorry. But i'll be right back."

So i go back to my register and she's there, waiting for me. I ring up her stuff, and she's mumbling about how it's so hot and she's hungry and it's just been a really bad day, and all these little excuses for her stupid attitude.

3. My brother is now Doctor Cohen. I'm pretty sure now that Brandon is "Doctor," we won't be able to use his given name anymore. My other brother, Paul, and I were discussing (behind the Doctor's back) about how weird and crazy it is that not only did Doctor graduate, but he also has this new title. We wanted to make ourselves feel better, so we talked about how he was the last to graduate, the sucker, but then we remembered that he was a Doctor again and we gave up.

4. My parents are way excited. They have gone to see the Doctor and help him and his family move. I called them today, to see what was up, and mom didn't answer, so i called dad. I said, "Hey, how's it going? I called mom, but her phone was off," which caused father to launch into the grand plan of the big move. Apparently, "so and so and so and so are driving the whatever and so and so are doing this, and then we are going to meet someone and whoever over on the interstate where hopefully the blah blah blah will be sighted, and the goal is to reach Pittsburgh in 5 hours."

It's quite the plan. It was all orchestrated by Jodie, so i'm sure it's brilliant. It has all the necessary twists and turns, the meetings and the greetings and the ultimate success that every move story needs.

So next i call mom, ask why her phone was off, and instead of answering my question, she launches into the big story of the move. She was telling it like it was a suspense-thriller-type story.

So my parents were SUPER excited about it. So, what does this mean? That my parents, in their old age, have nothing this exciting in their every day lives? Maybe my parents are going to start careers as movers? I don't know.

I think it's too early to tell.

Grandma's views on American Idol

I took Grandma to Physical Therapy this morning.
My thoughts are in parenthesis.


Gma: Did you watch American Idol last night?

Me: Yeah.

Gma: No.

Well, i watched the first part. I saw the girl who played the piano. And the girl with the tattoos. And that cute little black girl with the big voice. When she gets kicked off, she will definitely get a recording contract somewhere. But i didn't get to see that cute young man, i had to go to bed at 9:30, see. (the show was over at 9:30)

I think i was with you when they had that girl with the black and white hair on the Today show. Did you see it?

Me: No.

Gma: What was that girl's name?

Me: Amanda.

Gma: Yeah, i don't remember either.
But you know she was really good.

Me: You honestly really liked her voice?

Gma: Yes, it was beautiful. She will easily pick up a recording contract. I liked that stripper they kicked off, too. (just so you know, this Amanda character has a very gravely and harsh voice. Kind of like my grandma's. So i guess it would be fitting that grandma would like her. I can't explain the stripper thing though.)
What was the theme for the songs last night?

Me: (knowing this would be difficult for her, so i talked really slowly)
They...had...to..pick...songs...from...their...birth...year.

Gma: They had to pick songs that were popular last year?

Me: No, from their birth year.

Gma: What?! (she seemed offended at whatever she thought i was saying)

Me: BIRTH, GRANDMA, BIRTH.

Gma: Well that is different. I hardly recognized any of those songs.

The top 8 cool things about Easter

8) Mom hid the Easter Eggs.

7) Paul waking up long enough to say "thanks" when i called to wish him a Happy Easter. I guess having a newborn makes you tired.

6) Dying eggs! This year the fabulous Griffith family hosted a little egg dying gathering where there was an ugly experience with some oil based egg dye. That stuff was crazy. So if any of you ever find some like it, get rid of it immediately!!! It ruins lives!!!!

BUT, there was normal dye too, so everything worked out. Mom and i are holding our favorite eggs, and i am also holding a super great workbook/memory book that Kathleen and I made for Tara. The book includes what happened to the "band" that we started at school, a story about how Ron Weasley is in love with Tara, and activities such as, "Out of these 4 guys in the ward, which two would you pick to be your home teachers for the rest of your life?"

5) Grandma.

Mom was telling about her work, and she was mentioning that she is basically trained in all aspects of the office except for billing. Grandma interjects, "The girl who does the billing is handicapped."
She's right: the girl who does the billing uses a wheel chair.
We aren't sure what that has to do with anything though.

4) Cousins.
Cousins really make family gatherings much better.

3) The Elle-igator mastering the phrase "Happy Easter!" and saying it as loudly and frequently as she desired. I was really only on the phone with the New York Cohens for about 5 minutes but i'm pretty sure i heard Elle say, "Happy Easter!" roughly 29 times. It really bumped up my Easter Spirit.

2) Nancy Drew in my Easter basket!!!!!! Wooo Hooo!
It's irresistible! It's charming! It's fun!
(and a little scary)

AND THE NUMBER ONE COOL THING ABOUT EASTER IS:

Riding bikes with flat tires while wearing skirts and being barefoot.

There was just something about the bike riding that was super fun. I don't know what it was. Maybe it was riding down to visit this horse, Laney. Maybe.
Perhaps it was throwing caution to the wind as i biked around barefoot. I hardly do anything barefoot.
I hadn't been on a bike in a very long time, and perhaps this activity brought me back to my childhood. Or maybe i liked it because riding with a skirt on is kinda fun.

I decided against it.

Sometimes when i feel like it, i go run around these trees.

I love it.
It is peaceful.
It gives me time to clear my head.
I can think about whatever i want.
I get a good workout.
It's the perfect length.
I get to enjoy the outdoors.

Also, i get a little dirty, which is somehow very satisfying, and i can also work on my tan while i work out. I'm pretty sure that is why i started jogging this trail. The other stuff (that i listed first, so you wouldn't think i am vain) are just perks.

Now, I rarely see litter on this trail, but today i noticed this penguin sticker:

It caused me a lot of confusion, and the only thing i could think of was that "Penguin" is perhaps another hiker's name, and instead of carving their name into the tree, they just use these handy dandy stickers.
I feel pretty good about this conclusion.

As i was jogging along, i came to this black dog. I took a picture of it because i am reading Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. I am almost certain this dog is actually Sirius Black. I would have gotten a closer picture if the thought, "use your zoom" had come to mind.

But it didn't.

The trail is a 1.4 mile loop, which means i could go either direction and get a nice variation. I do enjoy a nice variation on a theme. I usually take the right at the start. A few weeks ago I tried going up backwards, hated it so much that i ran back to the beginning and did it the right way. I haven't tried going left since then.

Today, as i was heading right, i noticed some people coming down the last stretch, and they had a stroller. This was no off-roading thing, it was more of a "let's walk to the library" type.

I didn't understand it. A stroller? On this trail? There are a few steep parts that i wouldn't want to push a stroller up or down. The couple were still pretty far off, and if i were going to be passing them, i would have asked them all about it. But as i would need to hang around the trail head all creepy-like waiting to casually point out that maybe they are crazy, i decided against it and started my workout.

More Than Likely

The fun thing about Mondays is trash and recycle pick up on Grandma's street. Today, i was able to have two separate appointments with Gma, one at ten, and one at two. She lives on a narrow street, it's all curvy and hilly, so it's pretty fun to drive. It's more fun on Mondays when everyone has two to three trash cans at the end of their driveways, or, more likely, in the street. (I use the term "trash cans" loosely here. Everyone knows this is California, so there aren't three trash cans, but one really small can and two huge recycle and green waste bins, it's just that i don't have a good term for all of them.)

Well, today, not only were the trash cans out in force, but there were a few dog walkers as well. This adds another exciting element to my daily Grandma duties.

So i'm taking Gma home this afternoon, and we pull onto her street, and she says:

There he is, walking his dog again.

You know, sometimes she gets aways from him.

I don't even know if it's a she. More than likely it's a he.


Me: More than likely.



I don't know how Grandma comes up with this stuff. She blames all vandalism (especially fires) on homeless people, the economy on the newspaper, and her pains on the fact that she can't drive anymore. And this dog was clearly a he.

So i drop Grandma off, bring down her trash can, (but not the recycling bin, it hasn't been emptied yet, Dad will have to bring it down after work) and i head for home.

I begin to wonder about the dog, so i slow down, roll down my window, and come to a stop near the man and his dog.

I say, "Wow, what a beautiful dog! What kind is it?"

Him, "Big and black."

I laugh.
This kind of humor is appreciated in our town.

He then says, "Oh, he's a Giant Schnauzer."

After a few more pleasantries i drive off.

So Grandma was right. The dog was a he.

Maybe i should take her to Vegas.

It's probably the urine.

Grandma and i went to her doctor today.

As we were leaving, she says to me, "I have to get more lab work done."
Me: Oh yeah?
Gma: They don't know what is wrong with me. I will need a urine test this time.
Me: Wow.
Gma: I've never had to go into the lab to do one of those before. I'm not familiar with the procedure.


Grandma really stressed the "into the lab" part, making me think that perhaps Grandma is indeed familiar with urine tests, but has simply been doing them from home. Perhaps there is some sort of kit you can buy at the drugstore (although we've never bought one. We've bought a lot of crazy stuff, but never an at-home-urine-test.) Or maybe she does what she needs to do at home, then mails it into the lab. I don't really know. It's all speculation from here.